My doctor once said you need to make diabetes your number 1 job.  This is easier said than done, my job is very stressful and time consuming and I have chosen to participate in a very time consuming hobby (endurance sports).  I tend to not make diabetes as much of a priority as I should.  Constantly guessing the # of carbs in a meal and what your body is doing at that given moment to determine how much insulin to take is not my idea of fun. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that the occasions where you are exactly right about are few and far between.  Who wants to always do something knowing that it’ll probably be not quite correct all the time. It will cause you to pull your hair out sometimes! I have a whole list of things that I beat myself up over because I have done them or I still do them from time to time.  They are things are mostly avoidable and I have no excuse for.

• Sometimes I have let my insulin pump run dry because I am purely too tired or I haven’t made the time to change it. ( of course I change it at that time).
• Sometimes at night my dexcom will be alarming that my blood sugar is high and I just ignore it because I physically don’t have the energy to get up and test.
• Sometimes I just forget to bring emergency supplies on a long bike ride.
• Sometimes I go high for hours and just keep dosing before I realize that maybe my insertion site is blocked or the insulin is bad.
• Sometimes I have run out of pump supplies.
• Sometimes I don’t make the time for follow up appointments with my doctor.
• Sometimes I have 1 too many drinks.
• Sometimes if I’m busy at work I don’t take the time to test even if the dexcom is asking to be calibrated.
• Sometimes I will go out and exercise even if my blood sugar is over 300.
• Sometimes I don’t check for Ketones when I should.
• Sometimes I just don’t see a trend in my numbers and can’t make heads or tails out of it.
• Sometimes I don’t speak up when I’m feeling shitty from a high blood sugar.
• Sometimes I just completely forget to bolus for a meal.

So I beat myself up. I’ll also be the first to admit that I get frustrated with the diabetes roller coaster.  Eating when I don’t want to or not eating when I want to eat.  I did learn a valuable lesson this year when my friend Katie passed.  I learned that life is very prescious and it can be short.  So I’m trying to not sweat the small stuff and be grateful for what I have.  And I absolutely need to take care of my body and my health first.

When I get down about it, I step back and look at my life with diabetes. I was an adult, already 30 when I was diagnosed but I really had not grown yet.  I didn’t know who I was.  I was married and I got a divorce.  I can’t wonder who I would be or what my life would be like had I not gotten this disease. Would I still be married, maybe. Would I be a mother, maybe.   I have so many good things to be thankful for and these are the things I remind myself of.

• I am in good shape.
• I run, bike and swim.
• I have a relatively healthy lifestyle
• I have nice bikes.
• I get outdoors.
• I understand the importance of nutrition better than a lot of my athlete friends.
• I have met and am friends with an absolutely amazing group of individuals because of this disease and for that I will be forever grateful.
• The happy dance when you have a good diabetes day!

Would I rather race an Ironman or a mountain bike race without diabetes?  Hell yes, but that wouldn’t be me. I am Gillian with T1 Diabetes and that can’t be changed. I consider myself lucky to be able to compete at all.